Crazy Sex Practices Throughout History

Birds do it, bees do it…  Human beings have been doing it since the beginning of time.  We’re talking about sex, bay-bee.  Here are some of the craziest sex practices throughout history.

Impotency as a means of divorce. It was hard to break up a marriage in the old days. In fact, King Henry started that whole English Reformation thing to try to worm his way out of a marriage. In France during the Middle Ages, there was one thing the courts would consider in cases of divorce: Impotence. Men had to “stand at attention” in front a tribunal of clergy, doctors and the court. They would then be forced to ejaculate to the court’s satisfaction.

Dill dough… Dildo. While dildos have been used since the beginning of time, they did not receive the name “dildo” until the Renaissance. During this period, dildos were thin loafs of bread seasoned with dill… Hence the name, “dill dough.”

A devoted eunuch. Eunuchs focus their energy and devotion in the service of the person who has them neutered. One of the most famous sea captains in the world, Zheng He, was a eunuch. Being a eunuch allowed him to become a great captain, he believed. Many other men believed that becoming eunuchs would enrich their lives as well.

Manhunt… Literally. Island girls from the islands that dot the Pacific Rim have a unique custom of hunting men for sex. Yup. You read that correctly.

Don’t get emotional. Courtly love, as it was called, was the practice of men who were forbidden to openly show their affection for their one true love. Instead, they went to war and oftentimes died for this supposed love.

Hōnen Matsuri. In Japan, every year on March 15th, men struggle and fight for the honor of carrying a 15-foot penis throughout the town of Komaki for their annual Hōnen Matsuri festival. The Hōnen Matsuri festival celebrates the power of the phallus and hopes that it will grant fertility for the crops and fields.

Nazi sex dolls. During World War II, soldiers engaged in a lot of sex with prostitutes and acquired sexually transmitted diseases like syphilis. It was a huge problem. In order to combat infections, Hitler had blow-up sex dolls made. They sported blonde bobs and aided in the STD problem the Germans were facing.

Cleopatra was a freak! Cleopatra had a dildo fashioned after Caesar’s penis and had it casted in gold. Well, if anything, she was a fancy freak.

Celibacy or power? Celibacy was a big deal once upon a time… King Philippe of France disemboweled several of his knights to keep his bloodline pure once he got wind that his daughters were frolicking about the knight’s chambers at night…

Sexual energy. Nikola Tesla was a firm believer that sexual energy was just like electricity and should be conserved and used in the service of humanity, for the greater good. Still, no sex-powered cars roaming the streets. One day!

The Wayuu people of Colombia. In Colombia, when a young Guajiro woman (the region of Colombia in which the Wayuu people inhabit) trips a boy during a ceremonial dance, she must have sex with him. This puts a new twist on the idea of a Sadie Hawkins dance.

Masturbate like an Egyptian. Semen and ejaculating was seen as a symbol for creation to Egyptians. During a festival where they honored the god Min, the men would openly masturbate in public. Egyptians also believed that the flow of the Nile River was the result of the god Atum ejaculating into the banks.

Government funded banging. The government of Holland has been known to provide their employees with a monthly stipend to visit prostitutes in Amsterdam’s Red Light District. Socialized prostitution? You betcha.

Sexual prohibition. During Medieval times, the church wanted to control sex in the name of God. If you read some of these old prohibitions, however, you will notice that they read in an almost pornographic manner… Probably because everyone (even theologians) were all horned up from not having any god damn sex.

Kamasutra is a Kama-copy cat. The famous book is believed to have been taken by Lakshmana temple carvings in the Kajuraho temple, located in central India. These carvings show men, women and animals engaging in an array of sexual gymnastics that would send anyone to the hospital in today’s day-and-age.